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  • Writer's pictureBecci

I will not apologize!

Updated: Sep 9, 2018

My friend told me to write a blog. She said someone out there would be interested. So I took her advice and jumped into the cold water, because I know nothing about blogging - I hardly read any in the first place. So does writing a blog work like a public diary? Looking back at when I frequently kept a diary, this would suggest boy stories and overly detailed ‘this-is-what-I-did-today' accounts. I guess that is not that much fun anymore. And who would be interested in that anyway? I am suffering from impostor syndrome already, and I have not even started yet. What could I possibly add to this conversation? And which conversation?

Truth is, I wrote an entire page on this question, trying to justify what I was doing. I sent my first draft to my friend, hoping for positive feedback. Turns out, I got scolded for being too apologetic (one of the things I appreciate most about this process is her honest, yet super sweet feedback). And you know what? She was so right! I sat here, writing about how I really like to write more, brainstorming about all the topics I could discuss but with the same breath I also apologized for pretty much my entire being. Just a few days ago, I had this whole rant about how so many women are way too apologetic for extremely simple things and I am sitting here, doing exactly that. Apologising for no reason. Apologising in advance. So I went to practice what I preach and I rewrote the entire draft. Which was not only beneficial for my self-development but also great fun, because you, dear reader, are left to wonder what it was I originally planned to say. Well, unless you know and bribe my friend, you will never get to read it. Instead, you get to read why I want to write this blog.

I have stories to tell. I lived in a small village in the Alps, I lived a ten-minute tram journey from the beach, I lived between the fields of farmers in the middle of Germany, and now - my latest but not my last stop - I live in a bilingual city of over a million people. I speak 4 languages. I have lived alone, in a house with 16 people or in a small community of around 200 people - no phones allowed (yup, it can work). I studied a little bit of this and that, but mostly political science. I like to think that I am a generalist, because there is not that one topic I know everything and all about, but I do know a few different things. I had my heart broken more than once, but I healed and moved on and it got better. I broke hearts too. I've been utterly and completely happy. I've had difficulties getting out of bed. I've been through the ups and downs of the emotion rollercoaster. I read more than the average person my age and I have recently discovered my love for podcasts. Ask my friends, I am really annoying about it. As in I am entering every conversation with ‘yesterday, I heard something about this topic in this podcast I was listening to' annoying.


First and foremost, I want to write for myself. I was always most comfortable with writing as a form of communication. As a little girl, I used to write apology letters to my parents when I upset them. Still, I write most compliments and feelings down, instead of saying what I feel in someone's face - I suck at that. I share my deepest thoughts with a pen and a paper (or my computer if I feel like I can trust whoever hacks me). Every now and then, my ‘system' overheats, as if my brain was being DDoS-ed (is this even a word? - computer geeks, anyone?) by my own thoughts - self-sabotage so to speak. And writing is what gets me out of this mess. Because in the moment of writing, I can only think about what I can also put into words, and everything else gets ‘blocked out'. I cannot be overwhelmed by a long slippery slope of worst-case-scenario-freak-out thoughts, because I am writing down one thought at the time. It's a great system, but I want to admit that I do mourn the thoughts that leave me in the process. What if the thoughts that didn't make the cut because I had to ignore them for the sake of the ones that made it on the paper were really great? As a matter of fact, while I was writing this blog I had a whole list of possible topics to write about, but at least half of them I can't remember, because I was busy focusing on these words instead.

So why write a public blog when I could have my little ‘therapy' writing sessions in a diary? That one is simple. I want to hold myself accountable. I thrive under external pressure. Some people see this as a weakness, and yeah, I might be somewhere else today had I always had the motivation to do things for intrinsic reasons (for one I'd be really fit, probably busy running a marathon!). But hey, I know how to work with my weakness, and by inviting you to be part of my thought process, I know I will write more frequently, I know I will write better - more truthfully. Because I won't leave my work after a first draft. I won't think that once I wrote down my messy thoughts I'd be done. I'll have someone proofread me, I'll have someone question me, I'll probably even have someone judge me - so I will give it my best, which will result in me being my best because I process my thoughts best. A while ago I dedicated my diary to someone I really liked. That someone never got to read what I wrote, but it helped me to think that potentially the diary could be read by that someone. I wasn't as sloppy. This project, it will be a large-scale version of this dedicated diary.


So where does this leave us? I want to write, I will write, and I won't apologize for writing. Most importantly though, I do not just want to leave my thoughts somewhere on the internet of things with no repercussions. I want to have a dialogue with you. I want to hear about your reactions, your thoughts, and doubts about my writing. I want to get to know you. I hope that in some sense, I spark a reaction in whoever will be reading this. I hope that my friends who already know me will have the time to call me (actually I take that back - don't call me I hardly pick up my phone) and talk about whatever it is I said. I hope that strangers who randomly stumble upon my blog will stay and contact me and potentially even turn into something closer than strangers. I whole-heartedly believe in the power of dialogue. I believe that discussion is what brings us further. And sometimes, when I am surrounded too much by people that think like me, I miss the confrontation of something outside-the-box. So please be my someone outside-the-box!

From the top of my head, these are a first things I would want to talk about (minus the ones I forgot while writing this): i) moving to a big city ii) sleep iii) uncertainty iv) dating hype (for a lack of a better word) v) catcalling et. al. vi) personality tests vii) cooking (no recipes) viii) hot water bottles ix) consuming, x) role models and friends … I cannot promise I will end up writing about any of these things. Maybe in a couple of weeks, I will be heading down a very different path, and all I will write about is bath salts.

Until now, I am just glad you made it through my first monologue. Let's stay in touch.



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